The Village Grandma is Back!


Hello Greendale,

It is Village Grandma here, I’m back!

You might not have heard heard of me. But, I used to write a column for the defunct Greendale Patch.

If you read those columns, you may recall that I am the opinionated, nosy old lady that everyone in the neighborhood tolerates. I live in a corner house with a panoramic view of the entire street and have no qualms about snooping. I also have two obligatory cats. Nellie (the snooty debutant) and Gump (think “special needs”).

I don't know about you, but I just couldn't get excited about the Winter Olympics this year. Until I realized that our own Greendale Public Works Department has began training for the Snow Removal Slalom! I'm sure they will be a shoo-in for a gold medal in four years.

They are exceptionally fast on the straight roads and they really shine on curves and corners. It's absolutely amazing how they maintain a break-neck speed while plowing on just two wheels! It is breathtaking when you consider that they are talking on their cell phones at the same time. Eat snow Putin.

A little money and time saving tip for those of us who live on Angle Lane and quite possibly several other streets in the village. Not only has it been a severely cold winter but Greendale's annual water main breakage gala has wreaked havoc on our little street, leaving an amazing array of bumps, jolts and potholes.

In fact, I have found that if I eat the ingredients for a breakfast smoothie (i.e. milk , yogurt, banana or whatever) and then drive down the lane at 15 to 20 mph, it eliminates the need to waste time and electricity using the blender.

Gump, my special needs cat, has become quite the Lothario this year. His first object of desire was a little, feral black cat that I and several other neighbors were feeding.

Sadly, she was somewhat of a loose woman and in due time produced a litter of kittens. Since Gump has been emasculated or unmanned or whatever you call it, she had obviously been unfaithful.

On the rebound however, he soon lost his heart to a shapeless yet weirdly attractive opossum that had taken up residence under the next door swimming pool. That romance too was destined to fail. I think her family might have been prejudiced against two different species dating.

Poor Gump was heartbroken ... for a day or two anyway. Luckily, he has once again found solace. This time in a roll of Christmas wrapping paper that he found under a bed... remember ... “special needs.” Let's hope for a long term relationship this time. I  will keep you posted.

You know who's really creepy? The wrinkled old doofus in the E-Harmony commercials ... I'm just sayin’.

Well, must run. I have a bottle of Old Orchard pomegranate juice to open which will take me quite a while. This is due to some age related nasty arthritis. You see I have only one hand with an opposable thumb. This puts me one step below an orangutan on the primate tree.

It could be worse. At least the arthritis hasn't affect my middle finger which would be socially quite awkward. So, there's a silver lining. Right?

Until next time,

The Village Grandma