Good News for “Wrinklies”

oven

Hello again,

Lately, I have noticed that, quite frequently when I look down, my glasses have a tendency to fall off of my head. Quite a puzzlement, right? I mulled over this enigma for quite some time and have come to the conclusion that as one gets older, while your body continues to balloon, your head actually shrinks! All except your ears ... some scientist should really look into this phenomena right?

I think the older generation should share their wisdom with the young. Unlike some of my more secretive peers, I am more than willing to unseal information. Like old family recipes for instance.

So, here is a delicious baked breast of chicken dish you might want to try... I discovered it by sheer accident. I was going to use the usual Corn Flakes for breading  when I discovered that I was out of Corn Flakes.

Happily, I still had an old box of Grape Nuts (not the flakes mind you, the actual Grape Nuts) and dredged the chicken breasts in an egg wash followed by a generous layer of the cereal.

After baking, I removed the dish from the oven only to discover that, instead of covering the chicken in a crispy crust, the Grape Nuts had coagulated into a brown circular mass on each chicken breast, resulting in a favorite dish my family calls “Chicken Nipples”. If served with a large green salad and prune Danish for dessert you have taken care of the fiber requirements for at least a week!! 

Amusement parks have the right idea. For safety, they have height requirements. So, if you aren't tall enough you can't get on the ride. I'm thinking the same requirements should apply at the DMV. If you are shorter than your steering wheel when seated in your car you can't drive ... oh wait ... never mind.

Super news for us “wrinklies”. According to the New York Times, fashion section not only will purple be the new black for the fall season, but shades of brown will also be in vogue. Perfect for those of us with varicose veins AND age spots...

Gump has lost interest in the tube of wrapping paper ... with no new conquests on the horizon he was actually ogling his SISTER! She soon put a stop to that ... I found bits of fur strewn throughout the house and Gump looking like he lost a bout with a shredder. She is such a diva!

I found the perfect place if you need a little down time ... drive to the corner of Loomis and Grange. If you're lucky enough to arrive there at the same time the light turns red  you will have plenty of time to veg out , plan your day, read your e-mails etc. I was able to complete the Sunday NYT crossword puzzle before the light turned green!

Must run ... I see my neighbor is out sharpening his garden tools and this year I made myself a vow that my flowers would outshine his. This will be a Herculean task since every square inch of his yard has flowers on it. I plan to out-bloom him this year though with a dazzling array of ground cover, heirloom plants and — if desperation sets in — weeds. Wish me luck,,,

Til next time then,

The Village Grandma

The Village Grandma is Back!

snow-plow

Hello Greendale,

It is Village Grandma here, I’m back!

You might not have heard heard of me. But, I used to write a column for the defunct Greendale Patch.

If you read those columns, you may recall that I am the opinionated, nosy old lady that everyone in the neighborhood tolerates. I live in a corner house with a panoramic view of the entire street and have no qualms about snooping. I also have two obligatory cats. Nellie (the snooty debutant) and Gump (think “special needs”).

I don't know about you, but I just couldn't get excited about the Winter Olympics this year. Until I realized that our own Greendale Public Works Department has began training for the Snow Removal Slalom! I'm sure they will be a shoo-in for a gold medal in four years.

They are exceptionally fast on the straight roads and they really shine on curves and corners. It's absolutely amazing how they maintain a break-neck speed while plowing on just two wheels! It is breathtaking when you consider that they are talking on their cell phones at the same time. Eat snow Putin.

A little money and time saving tip for those of us who live on Angle Lane and quite possibly several other streets in the village. Not only has it been a severely cold winter but Greendale's annual water main breakage gala has wreaked havoc on our little street, leaving an amazing array of bumps, jolts and potholes.

In fact, I have found that if I eat the ingredients for a breakfast smoothie (i.e. milk , yogurt, banana or whatever) and then drive down the lane at 15 to 20 mph, it eliminates the need to waste time and electricity using the blender.

Gump, my special needs cat, has become quite the Lothario this year. His first object of desire was a little, feral black cat that I and several other neighbors were feeding.

Sadly, she was somewhat of a loose woman and in due time produced a litter of kittens. Since Gump has been emasculated or unmanned or whatever you call it, she had obviously been unfaithful.

On the rebound however, he soon lost his heart to a shapeless yet weirdly attractive opossum that had taken up residence under the next door swimming pool. That romance too was destined to fail. I think her family might have been prejudiced against two different species dating.

Poor Gump was heartbroken ... for a day or two anyway. Luckily, he has once again found solace. This time in a roll of Christmas wrapping paper that he found under a bed... remember ... “special needs.” Let's hope for a long term relationship this time. I  will keep you posted.

You know who's really creepy? The wrinkled old doofus in the E-Harmony commercials ... I'm just sayin’.

Well, must run. I have a bottle of Old Orchard pomegranate juice to open which will take me quite a while. This is due to some age related nasty arthritis. You see I have only one hand with an opposable thumb. This puts me one step below an orangutan on the primate tree.

It could be worse. At least the arthritis hasn't affect my middle finger which would be socially quite awkward. So, there's a silver lining. Right?

Until next time,

The Village Grandma